Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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