Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
