I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
