I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
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i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
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I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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