my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
