Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
