By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
