dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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