are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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