then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
