i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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