does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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