Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
