You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize