Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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