I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
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You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
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He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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