god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
