this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
