He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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