I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
