I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
