When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
