my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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