I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
