Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
