grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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