I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
