Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
