I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
