it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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