Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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