fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
