I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
