I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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