I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
