Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
