i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
