The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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