dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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