my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
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