i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
