Barsexuality is the new black.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
