Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
