Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
