Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
