Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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