I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
