I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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