Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
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Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
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Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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