When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
