DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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