I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think I am morally bankrupt
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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