Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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