im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
