In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
