It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
