yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
