So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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