The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
