I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
