How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
