i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
