Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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