Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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