No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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