I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
