My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
